The English dictionary defines the word anxiety as "a nervous disorder characterized by a state of excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with a compulsive behavior or panic attacks." Now anxiety I believe is different for everyone. When anxious some may become quiet and closed off, some may become angry and lash out on people, and some may become overly enthusiastic to try to compensate for how they are really feeling. My anxiety always starts with a sick stomach feeling. It starts out of no where and my belly just flips and flips. Its not something I can just breathe away, or think away, or “calm down” from. Once that starts is usually spirals into something bigger. My mind starts to drift to all these “what if’s”, or different scenarios (that typically never happen) and I cant stop it. I literally start to hear voices in my head (not like different people telling me to do things) more like putting words in peoples mouths. I'll leave a conversation and dwell on it for the rest of the day. “Did I say something stupid, what were my facial expressions like, was I invested in the conversation enough, am I a good person?” The list of questions goes on and on. Sometimes I get so trapped in my own head that I really think that person(s) thinks those things of me. My mind can be a very dark and scary place to be. It's like sometimes I'm trapped in my own head and I don't know how to get out. Sometimes my anxiety makes me feel so self-conscious that I’ll talk myself out of doing things and going places. I get so overwhelmed with the emotions going through me that I start to panic. I’ve only had a handful of panic attacks in my life. I had a whole lot when I was pregnant with my son Baylor because my heart would race and I would feel like I couldn’t breathe...but that's not really the same kind of attack as my anxiety attacks. Those were triggered by my heart, unlike these are triggered by emotions and my surroundings. I feel like anxiety is becoming such a taboo word and everyone has “anxiety”. Don't get me wrong, you can be anxious about things, you can be anxious about the same thing every time it is brought up, but that's different than constantly being anxious on a day to day basis. Like being anxious about everyday things. Leaving the house, getting a shower, calling people on the phone, driving a vehicle, and many other “simple” daily things. Anxiety will literally trap you in your home and you cant do a single thing about it. Now I know some of you are thinking, “why don't you get help, or take medication, or whatever else?” Well I do all of that (aside from taking medication for personal reasons) but It's a battle you have to fight everyday. You don't just get over it. Yes its not always so on the surface present, but any little thing can dig it back up. God has been such a huge corner stone, safe place, and comforter when I feel like I can't do it. I pray that it leaves me all the time. It has gotten better throughout the years. I used to be on medication and I prayed to be freed from that chain and he answered that prayer. I wanted to be able to handle it on my own and not worry about having to take medication to subside it. I am not shamming anyone who does take medication because in some cases it is whats best and its what helps you. But for me it just made everything worse. It made me have bad thoughts of committing suicide and just not wanting to exist. That was not a life I wanted to live with and I didn’t want my family to have to go through that either. I'm not saying all of this for you to pity me, I’m saying all of this because it needs to be talked about, and I know someone else out there deals with it and I want them to know I understand. It's not something you can do alone. You need a strong support system. They need to know your triggers, your signs, and know what you need when you need it so that things don’t escalate. You have to talk about your feelings and thoughts because your mind can take you places that aren't real and you cant dig yourself out alone. So when you are having one of "those" days, the dark, lonely, the what it seems like never ending, can't make it through the day, days... remember that you've managed to get through every bad day you've had. You'll make it through this one too.